Balancing between being hopeful and concerned.

Mahmoud Atwa.

The year started fresh. Fresh for many of us and “fresh starts” have always had strong correlations to that deep sense of being hopeful. Hopeful in such a way that that sense of being hopeful becomes the motive force to our resolve sometimes.

This year started with my last semester that marked the end of my Junior year in college. Finishing College had always been one of those milestones that sometimes would seem like a few paces away and at others, as far as the horizon could be. However, I was hopeful! I was hopeful that if I kept my focus for as long as I could, I would eventually be able to play this game of bending time and space that that milestone had been playing with me for more than 8 years now.

Yet I was concerned. I was concerned with the “what if’s” and “could be’s” looming over my head ready to shower me with the doubts that always snatched my focus away. Away from the horizon. After all, you can’t see the horizon clearly if the skies are filled with grey.

Then came the incident that changed us all. The incident that slowly creeped on the whole world and with it came more doubts and concerns. With it came loss, tragedy, resilience, and faith. With it came change. With it came a new outlook on lives that mattered. Lives that had always mattered. With it came the test of our resolve. The same resolve that was pushed by the forces of being hopeful.

And so I was hopeful. I found love in an unrequited mess and severed ties that needed to come to an end. I found reconciliation with family…the ones I truly miss! See I would have never thought that booking a plane ticket in March to spend a week with my family, would be the lottery ticket that would bring end to us being apart. That plane ticket won me 3 months with them. Sure, I was stuck there, but it was the good kind of stuck.

Fast forward, to a new semester. One last Fall to go! “You will not lose hope…You will not lose HOPE…YOU WILL NOT LOSE HOPE!” I told myself as I anxiously bit my lips. A clear indication that I was still concerned.

But I remember that my mother once told me before “You’re only concerned because you gave it your whole”

And so I went to sleep to the sound of nothing, because I knew I earned this quiet night.


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