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Left Crying in the Bathroom Floor

Charlie,
USA.

I brought my car in for an oil change (in the predominantly black area I live in) and they told me that it’d be an hour before they could get to it. ‘No big deal,’ I though, ‘There’s a shopping center across the street.’ As I made my way down the sidewalk, a man cat-called as he drove past. I didn’t think much of it as I crossed the street and headed towards Big Lots. However, he had turned around and was now pulling into the parking lot.

“Hey,” He said, getting out of his vehicle. “I don’t wanna come on too strong, but you’re really beautiful.” At this point, I was flattered. I had recently had my daughter, and was feeling uncomfortable in my own skin due to the weight gain.
“Thanks for saying so, but I’m married,” I replied.

“He’s a lucky man. Are you happy?” He asked, following me up the parking lot. His remarks began to get invasive and personal, making me extremely uncomfortable. I gave him a more stern ‘No’, and he had seemingly gotten the message. He hung back and didn’t follow me as I walked into the store.

Less than five minutes after I entered the store, he came in. I told myself that I was being paranoid, that he was probably planning to come in regardless. Not really wanting to face him again, I made my way to the back aisles and tried to focus on shopping. He soon found his way to the opposite end of my aisle, basket empty. I tried to pretend that I hadn’t seen him, and went to the furniture section. Yet again, he had somehow ended up within 10 feet of me. Even though it could have still been an uncomfortable coincidence, I decided to just purchase the phone charger in my basket and head to a different store. As I was handing the cashier my card, he came up to the register next to mine, only a pack of gum in his hand.

There was a grocery store attached to the Big Lots, so I made a bee-line for it. He entered the store soon after I did, and I was beginning to have a hard time believing he wasn’t following me. Despite my obvious attempts to lose him, he managed to be in or near every aisle I was in. I was beginning to get frightened, so I went to the women’s bathroom at the front of the store. A female employee saw the look on my face and asked worriedly, “What’s wrong?” I explained the situation to her and she asked for his description so they could call the police.
The moment I mentioned his skin color, her eyes dulled. Suddenly, her responses to me were short and a bit annoyed, as if I was wasting her time. She told me to wait and she would see about getting her manager, so I did. I sat in that bathroom for thirty minutes before I realized that no one was coming. From a different perspective, I understand that I might have looked like a racist white woman (who is in reality half Mexican) wanting to cry wolf about a POC harassing me. At that moment though, I didn’t care how I looked. I sat in the floor and cried, terrified of the possibility that the man was still in the store. Sad that the employee (who was also black) saw me as a racist, not a frightened woman who genuinely needed her help. Angry with her for leaving me alone while he might have still been out there.
Thankfully, the store manager (who was also black) happened to walk in on my sobbing. After explaining to her what happened, she informed me that no one had mentioned the incident to her at all. She called the police herself and sat with me at the café area until they had arrived. Luckily, he left, but the manager didn’t leave my side until the police officer confirmed it. As mortified as I was at the situation and the employee’s inaction, I’m forever grateful to the manager who saw the problem and not my race, and helped resolve the situation.

DATING AS A “BLACK” MAN…

NR Jr.,
Tampa, FL.

So as a paid volunteer in the US Armed Forces who has traveled extensively across the world. America has a “big” color issue. I spent 6 years living abroad and coming “home” is the worst thing ever… Let me give you the reader a take into my thus short life of 29 years and counting (pending some supreme diety/iess doesn’t call me home). I was “fortunate” to be a highly intelligent child in my school years and on into college. Unfortunately I don’t have the “right” complexion to match the intelligence. As a child I was called an oreo, picked on by other black kids, loved by white kids, even had some parents tell me “i would never let my daughter date a black person but you are different.” I thought this was a “compliment” but as I got older, it is just plain out colorism (racism is the more commonly accepted term.) Why can’t I just be me? I don’t want to be boxed in by the color of my flesh or what someone else perceives my skin color to tell them about me. I am tired of being sexualized or someone’s fantasy based from an arbitrary mindset. When living abroad I felt loved by other nations and cultures, but coming back home is coming back to hatred/ second rate treatment and lots of mistreatment. I dated women form all diff backgrounds and cultures, but from my experiences in America, I don’t have the right complexion to be a well qualified bachelor. I am a product of my lived experiences and let’s all be honest, having the brown colored skin especially the darker shade in America sucks! Now being that I am an credentialed health care provider and have pieces of papers (degrees) behind it I may get a “pass”, but that’s twice as bad.

It’s almost like exceptionalism is the new colorism. Being military also adds to that, but no one knows that when you are wearing air max 90 and a Pokemon hoodie LOL. White privilege is nice… I’m tired of being people saying I don’t date “black” people. To me who wants to limit their resources in the dating pool? My parents always told me I have to be twice as smart and I will only be worth half as much. Man they weren’t lying! I just want to be a regular guy, but being regular is subjective to your complexion. The standards for dating a black guy are significantly higher than they are for a white man. I have read lots of articles from people who are in these multicultural marriages and a good percentage of the time it’s an more affluent couple, they aren’t your average run of the mill people you would encounter on a daily basis. So they are the exception not the rule. White America (did I say that?) very much still has a problem with black males and their perception/treatment of “us” is second rate and it plays out heavily in the dating/social scene. You lucky white people… what I wouldn’t give for a day in your shoes…

Their Mormon ancestor’s genealogy was “mysterious.”

Judith McConkie,
Salt Lake City, UT.

The sentence describes our family’s conflicted past. As liberal Democrats in the 1970s my husband and I considered the ban on blacks holding Mormon priesthood to be ridiculous and insidious — a reason to leave the faith. We held on and held out faith that things would change, slowly perhaps, but they would change. We are part of a prominent family in the church. We have alternately rejoiced (that hardly covers our euphoria) and then felt terrible shame. How could we properly show ourselves as sincere penitents without taking on a tone of supercilious idiots. Last summer our brother-in-law had his DNA mapped. The map showed markers common to Black Africans. In checking his genealogy he found a woman who had in one census had a name and connection to a black family in the south. The state’s birth certificate listed her as “mulatto” . After she joined the church in the late 19th century, her name has changed and her race is “white” The brother-in-law remembers his generous father describing her life and personality something like this: My grandmother was a kind and very loving woman whose life story is “shrouded in mystery.” For months now, we have sincerely envied his heritage; he and his children and we are actually thrilled. And we older members of the family know of the consequences of his father’s characterization of his grandmother’s past. I cannot adequately tell you how many times we have turned and examined this woman’s decision to literally alter her “race card” and her grandson’s decision to leave it alone, to let it be mysterious. We who found life partners in the Mormon church in the 1960s understand how his life would have been entirely different. Stunning really.

Dating: I’m too dark for him?!

Anonymous,
Northampton, MA.

He’s a white European, and has never considered black women to be attractive, apparently until he met me and we got to know each other. Since he is curious about interracial relationships, he’s often on youtube watching videos on black and white couples/babies/marriages. Yesterday, he proudly told me that he watched an interracial couple where the woman described herself as a caramel. He then casually added that he would have preferred it if I was caramel, not 60% chocolate or whatever it is I am. I replied that I’m in fact 80% dark chocolate. I was horribly upset at his ignorance, although I have since forgiven him for the comment he made and explained why what he said was hurtful to me.

Blinded grandfather gave granddaughter excellent vision

Nicole,
East Lansing, MI.

My grandfather was blind all my life. All I knew was that there was an accident. It wasn’t until he passed that I learned that the accident involved a white man. My grandfather was a doorman and was pushed into the glass door. My grandfather never spoke of the incident. I’m actually glad that he didn’t because nothing is worse than feeling angry and helpless, especially when you are a child. Instead he taught me his work ethic and to always do my best. Success is the best revenge.

Amazing Grace. No more family secret.

Daryl Bruce Denning,
Corning, NY

Raised “white”. At 52, December 2001, I learned of my ancestors of color. I do not know the origin of my European surname, as I have only traced it back to my mixed race great-great-great-grandfather William Denning. Found his wife, my great-great-great-grandmother, with an obituary in 1880 stating she had lived to 113 and had been a slave “down east”. They migrated from the Hudson Valley of New York where Cornelia Denning apparently had been a slave, to the southern tier of NY. One of their sons was active in the Underground Railroad, taking fugitive slaves to Canada. One of his sons was a Medal of Honor recipient as a Buffalo Soldier during the Indian Wars. Another son served with my great-great-grandfather with a NY Regiment of US Colored Infantry in the Civil War. Both were wounded in July, 1864 in South Carolina, but survived. One of their family died in the regimental hospital in South Carolina due to illness, part of the same company and regiment as his father and the other two. One of my great-great-grandfather’s brothers passed as white and served in a hite regiment. There is much, much more history on my family tree of color which has made my life a more fulfilling one. To think I might have never known of my true heritage all because of our sad American legacy of racial divide. May that history yet evolve to a true America of Amazing Grace.

I don’t fit in your boxes.

Dave Lawrence,
Mechanicsville, VA

For most of my life, when I was asked my race, I was forced to choose just one — and I chose the race I mostly closely resembled: white. Back then, I had to choose carefully. My mom and I had been threatened with death in the early 1960’s for not being white enough. What I didn’t know for most of those years, the state of Louisiana had chosen a different race for me, and, if it had taken sufficient interest in me, could have forced me to identify as that race. In this century I’ve faced discrimination from every community I should be a part of: not white enough to be white, not Chinese enough to be Chinese; not Black enough to be Black. So now, every time I’m forced to pick just one, I just opt out.

Not all cops are bad cops

Abby,
Sparta, NC

Everybody thinks that just because there are a couple of crooked cops out there, that all cops are bad. My dad happens to be a cop and everybody loves him. He does his job very clean and keeps everybody safe. He’s not biased and treats everybody fair. Along with the rest of his crew, all of them are very good cops and they get the job done and done right.

Hatred hurts the hated and hater

Dan Creamer,
Sandpoint, ID.

I grew up in the Jim Crow South. Being white I always felt both guilty and angry about the way black people were treated. In the Marine Corps, I accepted a bottle of wine from a black Marine and drank from it without wiping off the bottle or my mouth and he remarked on it. We talked about race some and went our separate ways. Two weeks or so later that Marine saved my life by stepping in front of another black man wanting to shoot any white man. It shames me that I have lost touch with him…

Two Black Lesbian Daughters. Say What?!

Shelley Ferrand,
USA.
After the initial shock of their coming out, I realized that THEY are the long search for fruits of my 1960’s labor and radicalism. So, when I see the economic travesties in our community, after I pledged on campus 40 years ago to give it my all to help end my people’s suffering, and we suffer still, I think of my daughters and realize their courage is that long-awaited fruit, no matter how small the piece out of the whole pie.

They think I am a girl

Roxie Tenequer,
Lawton, OK

My son begged me for two years to cut his hair. Kids at his school constantly teased him and told him he looked like a girl. I told him to ignore them and explained that not all people teach their children about different cultures. Things didn’t change and my son started begging me to cut his hair. We finally let him cut his hair after five years of having long beautiful braids. This broke my heart but my Son said he is treated better at school now. I hope this helps people understand to teach their children or anyone to learn about other race differences. I hope one day my Son will grown his hair again and never let others make him feel bad about who he is and where he came from.

Asian and afraid to go out

Maddie Hsia,
Minneapolis, MN

Because of high Covid infection rates, many people are scared to leave their houses. I am also afraid to leave my house, but for a different reason. There has always been discrimination and attacks towards Asians, but the pandemic has intensified them. I hear about stories in the news, on TV, and on social media. A family friend of ours was attacked in NYC just two days after I was in NYC and had to get five stitches on her head. I dread going to unfamiliar, public places. Especially when I am by myself or with my younger sister, I am constantly worried about encountering someone who could potentially attack me. My mom warns me to never let my guard down and to get home as soon as possible. For the rest of my life, I will live with the fear that comes with being Asian.

“It’s different, shopping with mom”

Chas. Sundling,
Tillamook, OR

These words were spoken by one of my two sons. They were spoken a few years back, and led to quite the conversation about race, about people’s first perception based upon appearance, about acceptance, about prejudice, about self-identity, about belonging, about privileges, perceived or otherwise, about entitlement and self-entitlement, about rights, about struggles, and about love.

My ex-wife and I are both born and raised in San Francisco. We moved up to the Pac NW some years back when I accepted a position with Nike. I am white, and she is of Puerto Rican ancestry, and our sons are a blend of the two.

I am a rather out-going person who tends to chat with people in the store, whether those are friends, acquaintances, strangers and or employees of the store. It’s the same way here in Pac NW, as it is back in SF and the bay area, as it is in Queens, NY, as it is in Guatemala and Peru. It’s just what I do.

one time, when leaving the store, one of my sons made mention that I speak with and greet a lot of people in the store and that people do the same with me, which prompted me to reply, “Why, how is it with your mom when you go to the store?” to which one of them replied, “It’s different, shopping with mom”.

The way it was spoken, the way he said those simple words, told me that there was something much deeper at play here than I was expecting to hear which opened the door to the conversation that I have mentioned above. probably forgotten by him, those words, “it’s different, shopping with mom”, have never left me. Although I create race card here on this page today, it truly isn’t my card nor my experience, but I carry this card within me, for not doing so, would be part of the problem, and not the solution.

I have been alone among many

Gordon Lee Pattison,
Los Angeles, CA.

In 1959, when I was 14 years old, I moved from Los Angeles to Honolulu. I had just started taking French as a foreign language at my junior high school in Los Angeles and wanted to continue. However, there was only one junior high school in Honolulu at that time offering French in the 9th grade, so I got permission from the Honolulu school district to enroll there even though it was not located where we lived. I don’t think we realized it at the time, but I came to find later that it was located in one of the rougher parts of the city. When I enrolled, I met with the principal who warned me that because I would be one of only two haole students at the school, I might encounter trouble from the other students because of my race. What he was telling me was to watch my back, at the same time making it clear to me that I was on my own. I was about to have an experience that every white person in America should have. I know what it is like to be subjected to the mostly curious, sometimes mocking, and occasionally hostile stares and harassment that minorities often endure. I know the feeling of isolation, vulnerability, and anxiety that comes with that. I also know as a minority member what it is like to walk into a room of people and find myself instinctively looking around the room to see if there is anyone who looks like me. I do realize, however, that my experience had one major difference from that of many other minorities in our society. I was a member of an economically dominant, privileged, albeit minority, ethnic group in Hawaii. Nonetheless, it was a very instructive experience. It shaped my life and social outlook ever afterward and gave me empathy for the minority experience in America, and for that I have always been grateful.

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