So, I’m scared because I’m “white”

Mike R.
CA.

Just some shower thoughts. It occurred to me that while I am fully aware that most people really DGAF, the mass proliferation of anti-white sentiments online bonded with the few personal experiences I’ve had. I now nearly suffer anxiety attacks when I have to deal with large numbers of “non-whites”, not because I’m worried out being mugged or anything, but because I’ll be dealing with the racism and prejudice people always harp on “whitey” for (even other whites). This generally lasts until they show they’re cool people. Then again, I’m horribly asocial anyways and anxious, keep on the defensive around everyone, especially in crowds, even if I were in a church surrounded by nuns. Trust no one until they’ve proven worthy of it. That’s about the only racist aspect of me there is really, and that’s more a prejudice thing than “racism”. I judge people based on their character, rather than their skin tone. You’re cool to me, I’ll be cool to you. Get in my face, I’ll tell you to bugger off (unless I’m in a trolling mood, in which I smile the entire time and cheerfully suggest they go have a spa day, among other things). Hell, I’ve never had a girlfriend with “white” in them, save my current one, who’s half white half Mexican.

Before anyone assumes anything, though I’m probably already too late on that regard, I have to deal with the fact that when people see me, they automatically assume I’m a white hetero cis Male. Tall, broad, hairy, I’ve been called a “real man” with emphasis on the man part. The “Most privileged of privileged” apparently.

I’m actually a mutt genderfluid pansexual. My SKIN is white, my ancestry comes from two tribes of Native American, and various European (Irish, Scottish, French, some Germanic country no one in my family can remember, Italian, Russian, and Greek). I was lightly tanned as a kid, then I found the internet and video games and spent most of my time inside, turning white as a sheet. As I recall, on either side of my family, neither showed up in America before four or five generations ago (and we’ve been below poverty line ever since, most going into military service because it’s practically a guaranteed job).

Eh, don’t mind me, just venting a little. It’s days like today that take me from genderqueer and comfortable, to nearly full blown gender dysphoria. Got into it with some “minority” folks today about my being white (“Whatever your ancestry is, you’re still white! And white people enslaved blacks and still do!”), then the whole gender thing cropped up and it all went to hell harder than it was. Struck me as ironically funny given that I was once nearly beat half to death by neo-nazis.

But, yeah… Paranoid to be white in my own country as racial tensions rise and I have to deal with it more first hand. That’s why I’m hopping the first plane out of here when I can afford it for me and my girlfriend.

 

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