John Collinge,
Bethesda, MD
Zandra and I met in June 1978 as new Foreign Service Officers. Neither of us had dated interracially, we had to work thru issues of unintended insensitive and trust including her mother’s well founded distrust of the white world. We corresponded for most of our courtship she from Argentina, then Spain, me from Pakistan, then Sudan. Married in September 1981.
A letter that she wrote me in early 1981 reflects how hard she grappled with whether to marry. Her career and her independence were her life. They were vital to her sense of herself. After what I believe was a lot of hard thought Zandra wrote she decided that in me she had found a partner who understood her sense of self worth and would respect her independence. I believe I honored that trust.
One night in a Rome rendezvous Zandra sat me down and asked if I wanted to go thru with marriage. She shared, as she had in Washington, her fears that marrying her would blight my career. I told her I didn’t believe that and it didn’t matter. So far as I know I never suffered racism for my decision. I don’t think Zandra suffered professional racism either by our marriage. But she did suffer from being professionally under appreciated and slighted. I believe that was because of race. Certainly Zandra believed it and I never saw reason to question her judgment and her feelings. I did my best to understand and support.
I think that we succeeded in having a marriage of equals that completed and strengthened each. I lost her after a long illness to complications of dementia in February 2023. She was the love of my life and made me a better person.
I think that we succeeded in having a marriage of equals.
