I don’t know if it’s even ok to say this, but I am so tired about feeling embarrassed for the race I am part of.
I am doing everything I can to change and encourage others to change. I try to remember to refer to my colleague Maria as they rather than she, as they used to be known. I push myself to react no differently whether it’s a black man or white woman walking towards me down a London side street. I’ve stopped using “guys” as a non-gender-specific collective noun. And I push myself to find ways to raise the game for women at work who might otherwise get stuck a paygrade below me due to historic precedent.
But through all of that, I’m tired. I know that no-one ever accuses “all white men” of being the problem, but that’s how I subconsciously interpret things. When my wife highlights that the man will get the job instead of her (despite his lack of planning, and due to his over confidence), I can help but feel there’s something in there aimed at me. When white cops kill a black man and it makes the national news, I question whether the problem is with white people – would a black cop have done the same thing?!
I will keep trying, and keep pushing for change. I come from privilege, and I know that my worries are nothing compared to those in other races. But it’s not 100% plain sailing either.