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Am I black, white? Can’t decide.

Jessica Christian,
Winchester, VA

I am a human who comes from a mixed family. I have always felt stuck in between to choose what ethnicity I want to be. When school or any form I fill out would ask what my race was I couldn’t decide. My skin is fair but I was raised with my black family, and through them I learned love and equality, versus my white side distanced from me and treated me differently. I’ve been told I look white but I act black, but to me there is only one race the human race we all bleed red.

Their house smells like anyone else’s

Steve Llanso,
USA

Pretty white and wholly ignorant, isn’t it?
Here’s the back story: I grew up in the ’50s and 60s in northern New Jersey in a town where all the black families lived on one road. There were three black students in a graduating class of 250 students, two of whom I knew from music and both of whom signed my yearbook.
My family’s attitude toward equal rights for “Negros” (not coloreds or worse) and race relations was classically liberal and tolerant. I had started reading memoirs like Claude Brown’s Manchild in the Promise Land and histories such as Lerone Bennett’s Before the Mayflower in high school. But I had no illusions about my “understanding” what it was to be a Negro in America.
The tiny college I went to in Illinois had 350 students, of which two were roommates and classmates. One showed me the “soul brother” handshake, proved to be worse at basketball than I was, and had fun with me and our tutor in an English class. The other was bi-racial and almost deaf. He and I had to concentrate on watching the other’s face when talking and enjoyed the exchanges. (He later earned a PhD in Math.)
After my first year of college, I got a job driving for a take-out fried chicken place. Yes, breaded chicken and French fries. Phone-in orders sent me everywhere within about a 10-mile radius of the store. One night I saw that I had an order for the road in my home town that I recognized as the black section. As I drove there, I didn’t think about the fried chicken stereotype or anything other than I had NO idea what kind of house I’d be delivering to.
I parked in front and knocked on the door or rang the door bell (don’t remember which). A resident (male or female, I don’t remember) let me in and had me stand in the entryway as they went off to get the payment. As I waited, I glanced at the small, tidy living room.
And then the thought hit me: “Their house smells like anyone else’s”. That comment stayed in my mind’s front-and-center section all the way back to the chicken store. What had I meant by it? Had I really carried that
Don’t think of it as an epiphany, think of it as a reorientation, a tug on preconceptions I didn’t know I had. It would be years before I studied with or worked with or even commuted with persons of all colors. Still later before I formed friendships. But it may have been that night delivering chicken that started expanding the spectrum of my awareness beyond the “white-light” band I typically lived in.

I saw them in the back

Dennis Jack Higgs
Saint Peters, MO

I was raised in West Texas in the 50’s and 60’s. Although racism was rampant around us, we were not raised to be racist. I am now in my mid sixties and still to this day, one incident, when I was about six or seven years old, that lasted only about three seconds was burned into my memory and has never left. My family and I were eating a meal in a restaurant near the swinging kitchen door. The door swung open and I saw a black family eating their meal at a table in the kitchen because they were not allowed in the main dining area. I don’t remember the conversation at my table after that, but I will never forget that picture and the way I felt. I’ve spent many years wondering how God felt about it, too.

“Act like you’ve been here before.”

Jessica Johnson,
Long Beach, CA.

My grandparents took pride in not being a “typical” black family. I grew up in Prince George’s County, MD (about 10mins outside of the nation’s capital) which is home to the largest number of middle class black families in the United States. But outside of my community, I noticed even at a young age that when I traveled (four trips to Europe and twice across the continental U.S.) , attended music enrichment programs (private flute lessons for 15years) and sat in our annual seats at the theater (as a “Performing Arts” Coordinator she created a partnership with the Kennedy Center), there were very few black faces other than my family. And no matter how new or amazing the experience, my Grandmother never wanted us to show our amazement until we were leaving the function. This was her reasoning:

‘They expect that black people have never seen anything or been anywhere. I’m raising you to be well-rounded, so act like you’ve been here before.”

As a child I thought she just didn’t want me to have fun, but when I recall my childhood experiences to others, I’m met with amazement and sometimes skepticism because “black people don’t do that.” So now I understand.

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