friends Archives - The Race Card Project

It’s ok, you don’t act white.

December 2, 2025December 2, 2025 act white, colorblind, friends, identity, Katy Carpenter, OH, whiteness

Katy Carpenter,
OH.

I recognize that we don’t live in a color blind society, but race is never something I felt was central to my identity, and has no biological base. It never came up until I moved to the Bay Area and people started associating this idea of whiteness as a central component of my identity or what they saw my identity being composed of. After my friends get to know me though, they always come to the same conclusion : “its ok, you don’t act white”, but I sure look it (and I’m left wondering again what these six words mean).
I understand that whiteness has its benefits, and feel guilty that I do not receive the same scrutiny in stores, while driving, or just in my life in general. I think this is an incredibly important conversation to be having, and I will continue to try and understand this conversation on a deeper level. Hopefully some good will come of it-because I am so tired of humans losing their lives.

Two languages, Three dialects, Three cultures

March 12, 2024March 12, 2024 Acceptance of differences, america, bilingual, CA, Cantonese, China, culite, dialect, friends, language, Macau, mainland, Mandarin, moved, San Ramon, speak, Vincent Lei

Vincent Lei,
San Ramon, CA.

Grew up in Macau, China. Mainly speak Cantonese there. Moved to America four years ago and started to speak English and Mandarin. I made some friends from mainland China and also some American friends. I learnt about the difference between Mainland China and Macau. School system were different. Most mainland people and Macau people didn’t get along so well, so my friend in Macau was surprised that I made so many Mainland Chinese friends and that my Mandarin has improved so much.

She’s like me, never the reverse.

February 6, 2024 Family, friends, just like me, like me, Minneapolis, MN

Nancy G Moehle,
Minneapolis, MN

I don’t like to think of myself as a racist. But it dawned on me just this morning, that when I consider my friends/family of other races or ethnicities, I accept them because I know they are just like me. Why do I do that and not think instead, “I am just like them.”? That thought is more challenging for me.

Pain is hard, friends are complicated

October 3, 2023October 3, 2023 anti-racists, Elmira, friends, friendship, Jaclyn Flint, NY, pain, racists

Jaclyn Flint,
Elmira, NY

I’ve been through a lot of pain, friends are complicated. You hang out with people for so many years, don’t know they’re racists, or jerks. Automatically if you’re with those people, you’re the same as them. When will it be normalized as ‘just because you hang out with them, you’re not like them’? Those friends have hurt me a lot and I’m still friends with them for the same reason as most people, I’ve known them and only them really. No one else wanted to be friends with me, this was my group and even though we had some rough times, the pain I had got set aside, because to them I’m “white and supposed to push through the pain because people have it worse”. Yes, people have it worse but just because I’m white, doesn’t mean I can’t have feelings because news flash, my life is rough too, which was a shocker to them.

Small brown flecks on a tortilla

June 23, 2023 city, class, friends, Jane Orias, majority, Minority, MO, school, St. Louis, tortilla

Jane Orias,
St. Louis, MO

We moved to St. Louis, MO about 6 years ago after living in Hawaii and the west coast. The topic of race and prejudice came up in a dinner conversation with our children; at the time, they were in middle and elementary schools. We were discussing whether or not they had any experience with feeling prejudice or inferior in school because of their skin color and ethnic heritage. We are Filipino-American and we live in a large suburb of St. Louis where the majority of residents are Caucasian. Both kids honestly felt they were equals to their peers and friends. But our eldest, who was probably 11 at the time, acknowledged she was physically different from her classmates and frankly said, “Mom, if I can make an analogy, we are like brown flecks on a white tortilla.”

I was there, so were friends.

January 3, 2023January 3, 2023 1960's, Daniel Cohen, exhibit, friends, MLK, PA, Stroudsburg

Daniel Cohen
Stroudsburg, PA

I am so grateful that you have this exhibit. The sixties and the political movements of that time were so exciting to be part of. We could sure use that passion and commitment today. In spite of King, would anything have happened without blood? Is that what it will take today?

Look Asian but culturally I wasn’t

November 15, 2022 Allison, appearance, assume, Aurora, clothing, CO, cultural, friends, In betweener, lunch, rice, school

Allison,
Aurora, CO

I grew up in a very Americanized community although my family was very cultural. All my friends in school were white leaving me to be not only the non white person but the only Asian person in the group. My clothing and appearance drastically changed along with the lunch I brought to school. I would bring rice and some type of protein whether it’s chicken, fish or beef in a container. It had a stronger scent than anyone’s homemade lunch at the table, ended up refusing to feed my body due to the embarrassment I had. I thought that if I assimilated by bringing “normal” lunches and by hiding my identity, I would fit in and not be judged for who I was. I was wrong in many different aspects. I realized that my experiences as an “in-betweener” have their benefits and made me who I am today.

Don’t say “that is so black”

September 5, 2022September 5, 2022 Ayla A. Wilk, Blacksburg, College, diverse, factory, first experience, friends, lingo, plantation, small town, textile, this is so black, tobacco, VA

Ayla A. Wilk,
Blacksburg, VA.

I grew up in a small town in the south side of Virginia. Our town was built on a foundation of tobacco plantations and textile factories. We had only one high school. The population breakdown was nearly 50/50 African American to White – other ethnic groups were negligible. The blessing was that we all mixed – black, while, rich, poor. Sure, there were cliques, but everyone knew each other. My friend group was a little more diverse than that of the average high school student. Two of my best friends were African American, and I picked up their lingo. They would often turn racial stereotypes into good-natured jokes. One I remember distinctly was “That is SO black.” The phrase was used any time (a) an African American person had distinguished themselves through their behavior, clothing style, or attitude. or (b) white people would adopt a stereotypical African American tradition, such as eating certain foods or wearing a certain hair style. As far as I understood it it was sort of a compliment, like “See? Our culture is so awesome, white people want to emulate it.” We threw the term around casually, never thinking about their implications. My wake up call came when I got to college. A group of us were planning a picnic for our dormitory. The (white) leader of our group suggested fried chicken, potato salad, and watermelon for the menu. I laughed and said something along the lines of “our picnic is going to be SO black!” Among my high school friends, that would’ve been a compliment – meaning it was going to be a hell of a good picnic! But the room went silent. The one African American student in our group gave me a frightening glare. “That was TOTALLY inappropriate” our leader said. My face flushed as I realized how racist my statement had sounded to the others in the room. It was then I learned that what you say can mean something very different that what you intended it to mean, depending on the color of your skin.

Blood does not Determine Our Family

June 14, 2022 blood, CALEY CITRO, Family, friends, Stephens City, VA

CALEY CITRO,
Stephens City, VA

Where we live or who we meet defines us. We grow up around people who are known as friends but are as close as family.

I’m white. How can I help?

March 10, 2022March 10, 2022 Anne Huntemer, CA, Color, experience, friends, privilege, Sonora, support

Anne Huntemer,
Sonora, CA.

Coming from a place of privilege, how can I help welcome and fight for my friends of color? I know I haven’t experienced what you have, but I’m here to support you in any way I can.

Can’t see beyond my white privilege

February 7, 2022February 8, 2022 black girls, CA, first experience, freckles, friends, Jessica, names, pale skin, Race, school, See, Spanish, stupid white girl, white family, White girl, white privilege

Jessica,
CA.

I am a white female living in California with my white family. I grew up in an area where I was one of a few white girls in my school. I made friends of all different races and came to understand the benefits of diversity, however, it wasn’t always a pleasant experience. I was bullied by girls who were both Mexican and black. They called me names like, “stupid white girl,” and made fun of my freckles and pale skin. Many girls would laugh and say things about me in Spanish because they knew I couldn’t understand. I would come home crying to my mom because I was not a fighter and would never have done anything to fight back. My mom would tell me to ignore them, but it only made it worse. A group of black girls even threatened to jump me after school and I would hide in the bathrooms. These experiences made middle school and some of high school pretty miserable, but yet because I am white I am always treated like a racist. If I am racist then why is it that I was bullied so badly by other races when I never bullied anyone because of their race? If I speak on the matter, I am ignorant and people say that only white people can be racist, not other races. In other words, I am privileged so I can’t speak out about how people treated me. I find that to be really sad. It shouldn’t matter what color you are: racism is racism. If you dislike someone simply because of their skin color, you should be called a racist. But if I point this out, I am simply someone who can’t see beyond my white privilege.

Regaining and loving my lost culture

January 24, 2022 atlanta, College, culture, first experiecne, friends, GA, Hispanic, lost culture, Lourdes, Mexico, Spanish

Lourdes,
Atlanta, GA

Being born and raised in the South in predominantly white areas being a hispanic was a lot. It was hard to make friends and it was hard to be seen. As a kid I neglected my culture and tried to assimilate to my white friends and peers just so I could feel included and normal. As years passed by and I entered college, I was greeted with the faces of many people from many races. I was relieved and happy but I also felt so much regret. I started to appreciate my culture. I love going to Mexico, I’m not afraid to wear or show traditional clothing and objects at school and anywhere really. I love to show that I know how to speak Spanish and I love to involve myself with people from my culture. I have regained my love and appreciation to my culture that I once tried to bury.

Who Will Your Children Play With

July 3, 2021July 3, 2021 bi-racial, children, ct, friends, interracial marriage, Linda Hunt, Play

Linda Hunt
CT

I am in a 40 year bi-racial marriage and very early on when my children were small, my grandmother made the comment above. I said they will play with whoever they wanted as long as they were decent.

Sheltered friends. Life is not effortless.

June 28, 2021June 28, 2021 effortless, friends, Mary Beth Bergeron, MI, moved, Rapid River, sheltered, sound like, Tidewater, VA

Mary Beth Bergeron
Rapid River, MI

I am white. I have lived in Tidewater, VA and a highly diverse college town in southwest Ohio. My husband and I have just moved home to the UP of Michigan after 32 years away, homogenous and familiar. I am reminded of how effortless it is–regardless of your race or ethnicity–to move among those who look like you and sound like you. Too easy.

Biker gangs have love for me

February 16, 2021February 16, 2021 Allentown, bar, biker, CA, friends, motorcycle, Oakland, PA, Richard Haynie, stereotypes

Richard Haynie,
Oakland, CA.

I walked into a roadside tavern near Allentown PA that had several motorcycles parked outside. Loving bikes, I thought nothing of it. Inside, a motorcycle “club” were the only patrons on that Sunday morning. I ordered some food and, despite a warning from the proprietor, decided to stay and eat there. Some of the women started insulting me with comments about the darkness of my skin, but I paid them no mind. I figured if I said anything to them, the men would be obligated to kick the crap out of me or never hear the end of it from their women. When my food arrived, I sat beside one of the bikers at the large horseshoe shaped bar. One of the women asked “Larry” if he was going to sit next to that thing (me). We looked at each other, and he turned back to them and said there was nowhere else to sit. I thought he was very diplomatic. So the women began throwing food at me while I was trying to eat my burger and beer. French fries were bouncing off the bar as they continued to try and get to me. The men just watched it all, mildly amused. Finally, one of the biker wenches added ketchup to one of the fries and launched it my way. It struck the bar right next to my right hand and stuck there, splashing me with a little ketchup. I was really angry by this point, and picked up the fry.

All eyes were on me as they waited to see what I would do. I scowled at the women at the end of the bar, then ATE the fry! I then continued with my lunch. The men were falling off their stools laughing, and the women stormed off in an angry huff. The bikers all crowded around me, shook my hand and commended me for not letting their “bitches” get to me. I explained that I saw the bikes outside, but that I loved motorcycles, so I came in. At this point, they took me outside and let me sit on their choppers, and proudly showed me their custom paint and unique modifications. After a while I bid them a good day and went on my way. I had made friends in truly adverse circumstances, and my optimism for the human race was reinforced once again.

I’m white my daughter is black

December 7, 2020December 7, 2020 2012, 4 years old, adopted, black daughter, Family, Farmington Hills, friends, Grandma, Haiti, Jennifer Berkemeier, MI, non-traditional, origin, painful, Race, single mom, slavery, white

Jennifer Berkemeier,
Farmington Hills, MI.

I’m a single mom. I adopted my daughter from Haiti in 2012 when she was 4 years old. I’m white, and 15 years older than most of her friends’ moms. We get a lot of stares and unwelcome comments from little kids (“Is she your grandma?” “How come you’re different colors?” “She can’t be your mom…she’s white”). We love each other. We talk about race, her origin, being white and black, and being a non-traditional family. I’m teaching her to embrace it and be proud of it. It’s strange and painful to teach someone about slavery when you’re white and she’s black.

I feel like I’ve been sorted.

November 14, 2020November 16, 2020 child, choose, city, demographic, dicipline, Edison, friends, Jaclyn Huelbig, lens, melt, motivation, NJ, religion, sorted, white

Jaclyn Huelbig,
Edison, NJ.

I’m white. When I was a child, I lived in a city (the type that hipsters remain uninterested in!) and I had friends of all races and religions. I had the benefit, for example, of having a conversation with my friend when she chose to don a hijab (her older sister, on the other hand, had chosen not to wear one) and these childhood experiences heavily inform my worldview. However, as I got older and my family moved to the suburbs, it increasingly felt like I was being sorted. Although I moved to a diverse suburb, people tended to hang out with others from their own demographic group. When I went to one of the most diverse colleges in the country it seemed much the same. Was it me? Was I choosing this? Certainly not consciously. I have my degree in sociology, so, in addition to analyzing my own individual behavior and motivations, I also see this through the lens of my discipline and can’t help but feel as though society sorts us. That deeply saddens me. This gulf that divides us is what makes people fearful of others unlike them, if they only knew how alike they really are they may find their fear melting away.

I don’t know where to begin.

October 5, 2020October 5, 2020 Arlington, begin, change, Elizabeth Johnson, Family, friends, human, stuggle, VA

Elizabeth Johnson,
Arlington, VA.

There are so many things I wish I could say but am worried they will come out the wrong way. I want to say I see you’re struggling. I want to say I see racism among my friends and within my own family. I want to say it’s wrong. I want to say it needs to change. I want to say we are all human. I want to say we were all created by God. But I don’t know where to begin. And I’m worried it will be taken the wrong way because I’m white.

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