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I’m their mom, not the nanny.

Allison A,
Yakima, WA.

Sometimes it’s nanny, sometimes it’s babysitter or neighbor, but being asked if I was their grandmother was a first for me. At times, the question is about adoption . . . “Where did you get her?” The questions come from complete strangers, usually white people. The need to figure out this “puzzle,” and what a white woman is doing at the store (insert anywhere public here) with these children is tangible. Maybe they can’t imagine themselves with three bi-racial daughters and want to know more. For the most part, these interactions are not malicious, it’s more out of “polite” curiosity.

I’m not babysitting, they’re my children

Lisa Adams,
Canada

I am a single mother to five children of various cultural and ethnic backgrounds. Strangers tend to assume I’m running a daycare. If they realize the kids are all mine, the next assumption is about my sexual history. Actually, three of the kids are adopted and one of the others is the result of donor insemination. What other people think of me doesn’t bother me, though when the kids were smaller it did sometimes get tiresome always needing to educate people about non-traditional families. What does upset me about the situation is the fact that it’s never been more than a minor annoyance for me because I’m white. Parents of colour who have pale children regularly get accused of kidnapping and have to endure visits from police and child protection, or getting detained at airports and bus terminals, etc. My older kids are reaching the age where they may soon start families of their own. If they someday have children who don’t resemble them, it will be a thousand times more difficult for them than it has been for me.

Jenny has made you a pie

Trey Willy
Seale, AL

I was small and white. Jenny was old and black. She took care of me when I was little when my great aunts that I lived with were away at work. I played with her grandchildren at our home there in the country. Together we would climb the high magnolias, explore the woods and play all day. On hot afternoons we would take our baths in the yard in big galvanized buckets. Jenny would call us in and their would be fried chicken on the table. Together we would eat in the kitchen. And I remember noticing how her grandson cleaned his chicken bone clean and wasted none. I began to do that too. Some time later I moved away to live with my mother. And when I would return Jenny had gotten older and was no longer working. But my aunt would say “call Jenny. She wants to make a pie for you”. And I would go to see her and sometimes the pie would be cooked already. Other times we would go out and pick the blackberries together. Jenny always said it was good to include a few that were red. Sheafs the best pies I ever tasted, so I guess she knew what she was taking about. I learned a lot from Jenny. I learned that a black woman could love me and that I in turn could love her. It was a special kind of love that stood in sharp contrast to the hatred I saw around me. That hatred I so detested. I knew it was wrong. That was her gift to me.

Guilt. I loved my Annie so.

Lisa VonTress Las,
Sunrise, FL.

As a child growing up in the DC suburbs, I had no idea about what was going on. I had Annie, who was with my family 6 years before I was born until I was 13 when my father moved us. I came back to her later as she worked part-time for my aunt in Reston, VA. My mother died when I was nine but I always had Annie. I would go to her apartment in NE DC by cab and have to be walked up to her apartment because it was so dangerous. But she would fix me my favorite meal, seashells and clams (and black olives) and fried chicken. I loved her so much and she loved me, she had no children. The race thing never entered my mind; that is I did not care what color she was, she loved me when it seemed a lot of people did not. I don’t remember ever worrying about her race, I just loved her.

LuElla’s quilt has kept me warm

luellas-quilt-1Carol Stritikus Aitken,
Duluth, GA.

LuElla’s Quilt

LuElla’s quilt has kept me warm
through winter night and summer storm
when I would hide beneath its tent
and read until my light was spent.

It soaked up many a childish tear
and now recalls a time so dear;
I still can see those dark brown eyes
as she proudly presented her hand-made prize.

The years have left it frail and worn,
seams have ripped and stitches torn;
but time can’t fade its magical charms
or the love I felt in LuElla’s arms.

*****
LuElla took care of me, while my mother worked, before and after my father died in 1958. Sometimes, in the summer, she brought along a “colored” child my age and we played in a small plastic swimming pool together in the back yard. Our neighbor didn’t like that; I didn’t know why.

LuElla had a wide, toothy smile, which she covered with her hand when she laughed. (I was reminded of this when Miss Celie did the same in The Color Purple.)

LuElla called me, “Baby,” and held my hand wherever we walked — to the lumber yard to get sand, to the neighborhood grocery, to my uncle’s house…everywhere we walked, and back.

I remember once waiting for the bus with LuElla. The door opened, she told me to go first. She dropped a few coins in the glass container next to the driver, took my hand, and positioned me in a seat on the right side of the aisle across from the back door. “Don’t move,” she whispered.

LuElla then walked up to the driver, down the steps, along the side of the bus, and reappeared when the back door opened. She sat behind me, behind a sign I was to young to read.

LuElla and her sister lived in a two room, unpainted, wooden house near the fairgrounds. I had never been there before, and this visit was to tell them good-bye. We, my mother, grandmother and I, were moving to Atlanta. It was 1962.

My mother told her “Thank you” for a million little things she had done over the years. She towered over LuElla, and so did I by the age of 12. They hugged and hugged each other, cried and cried; my mother was like that.

Then a wonderful surprise brightened the dark walls of LuElla’s tiny home. She and her sister presented us with two quilts. From scraps of leftover fabric my family had worn as dresses, shirts and skirts, our everyday and Sunday best, they had transformed a patchwork of hand – cut – sown – quilted squares and rectangles into two warm, cotton-filled bed covers… just for me.

Why’d my black nanny love me?

Sharon Raven Clark,
Mammoth Lakes, CA

83 yrs ago, Anna knew all about the continuing atrocities of whites against blacks…yet she loved me…why??? how could she??? I didn’t become aware of “white supremacy” until our high school was integrated in 1956 and many jocks walked out. I was so embarrassed. Time and again, black women, in spite of the hell they knew, experienced daily, cared for white children…????

I’ve been called my sister’s nanny.

IMG_0171Mary Carroll,
Columbia, SC.

I am biracial and adopted into a white family. Growing up in a very southern affluent area, people were always asking me if I was paid well to look after the child and if I would work for them. When I would tell them that the child was my sister, generally they would respond with a laugh and “if that’s what you call it” then turn to someone else and say “that nanny calls the child her ‘sista'” assuming I was using a colloquial term rather than defining a familial relationship.

Hi. You must be the nanny.

image1 (1)Mayra Cramer,
Menlo Park, CA.

I’m a brown typically Hispanic looking upper middle class woman living in an affluent suburb of San Francisco. I’ve allways had a hard time fitting in because I was raised in “white” neighborhoods and went to elite and desirable schools. My third child is fair and people in the street or grocery including other Hispanics assume I am her nanny-stereotypes of nationality and socio economic class are alive and we’ll and thriving in a Silicon Valley

Yes, I really am North African.

154502_3459944010001_575553473_nHannah,
St. Louis, MO.

My mother is from Africa. She has dark skin. My father is Swedish. My mother used to get asked if she was my Mexican nanny. I was bullied as a kid because I look like no one in my family. No one understands I identify more as a minority but I look like a white woman. It’s a weird place to be. I often felt like a spy.

They assume my wife’s the nanny.

Sean Robertson,
Kensington, MD.

People impressed with how my wife handles our children have stopped her on the street to ask what agency she was hired through. I suppose it’s an improvement from the Dominican Republic where hotel security tried to prevent me from “bringing in a local prostitute.”

No, I am not the nanny.

Liliane Dizon,
Tampa, FL.

Each time I have been pregnant, people (mostly white women) have said the rudest things to me. Most recently, as my daughters were standing next to me, a woman said “You must be excited to finally have one of your own!” I asked her to clarify what she meant. She pointed to my girls and said, “Now you don’t have to adopt anymore.”

No, not the nanny… They’re MINE.

Valerie Grajeda Rountree,
San Jose, CA.

I grew up not speaking Spanish in a very Mexican neighborhood. My mother sent me to schools out of my area to prevent me getting involved with the local gang population. I grew up with other nationalities and met my future husband in high school. He is white. Our children were very fair when they were toddlers and at one of the parks we used to frequent, I was always getting asked if they were mine. Hispanic nannies were predominant in this area. When I assured the questioner they were mine and I had birthed them not adopted them, they always had the same response. They don’t look like you at all…

I’m his mother, not the nanny.

Toya Dragseth,
Saint Paul, MN.

My youngest son is biracial. Has his Fathers genes, very light-skinned, brownish blonde hair and when he is with just me, people look as if he is not my child but a child I may be babysitting. When he’s with his dad they look very natural together.

How much do they pay you?

MD-Mothersday2006Rosa-Maria Lazarovits,
Santa Barbara, CA.

This happened when my girls were toddlers and we played at a park. A latino woman approached me and asked in Spanish: “How much do they pay you?” Assuming I was employed as a nanny. She gasped when I quickly replied: “nothing!” She could not conceive these beautiful, fair skin girls were my daughters. A long standing idea of a “malinchista,” a traitor. A malinche is one who marries an outsider. La Malinche was Hernan Cortez’ translator, Mexico’s conquistador, with a horrible tradition as someone who gave up on his own roots, betraying his people, but history shows us that is not quiet true. She was a professional woman, with an incredible talent for languages, learning Spanish very quickly. She is the mother of the first mixed children. She is the mother of our future world, an amalgam between new and old, a native mother and a Spaniard father. Unfortunately, the clueless, woman at the park sees other Latina women as maids, nannies, caregivers. Like Malinche, I am a professional, I hold a master’s degree.

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