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Successful, Black, Gay, a family’s shame…

image4Karim Ali,
Columbus, OH.

I suppose I have been pondering my Race Card (TM) entry for a few months. When I read the comments of Michael Sam’s father (Michael Sam Sr.) about his disappointment in his son for being gay, I was nearly in tears, as it reminded me of my own coming out with my family (namely my parents) and among my larger family, my fellow Black Americans. Mr. Sam (Sr.) was disappointed in his only son to attend college and whom will likely have a very positive impact on his family and society. Similarly, many of the men in my extended family have been incarcerated, fathered fatherless kids, dabbled in drug addiction, and crime. I have been fortunate to have achieved the highest level of education in my family (MBA/JD), I am a partner at a large Ohio law firm, I volunteer extensively and mentor many young black youths/young professional, but I still sense the immense disappointment and judgment from many in the Black community in general, and from my father in particular. My 6 words captures my personal struggle with being Black and gay.

Men I love aren’t safe here

Arlinda Vaughn,
Dayton, OH.

My partner is a tall, dark muscular black man (with a PHD). When he lived in Texas, the police arrived at a gas station that he was in and tased him 8 times without warning or discussion. My brother (with a degree) has been regularly pulled over. Once, a police officer pulled him over, handcuffed him and put him in the back of his cruiser. Then he searched everywhere for any possible warrant or person whose “description he fit”. In the end, he let him go after about 45 minutes. My brother has never had more than a speeding ticket. When he was pulled over, he was not speeding or violating any traffic rules whatsoever. My cousin (who is a veteran) was pulled over by a city cop on the bridge in St. Louis, MO. It was outside of that cop’s jurisdiction so he had to call the Illinois police so that they could search his car. He had nothing. They found nothing, but they had a gun trained on him nonetheless. I truly feel that there is absolutely nothing that a black man in this nation can do to be safe. If they comply, if they resist, if they are polite, if they are rude… all are irrelevant, because if a policeman has it in his mind that they are criminals, then he will treat them like criminals. No black man in this nation has escaped this treatment. I have serious discussions with my extended family and my partner to move to Canada. The powers-that-be don’t want us here anyway.

Ask him yourself if he’s black

Anne Gruel,
Canada.

My partner is from Jamaica and identifies as mixed race. His parents are black, but he has very light skin and has many white ancestors. I hate it when people ask: “Is your boyfriend black?” Yes, he is black. No problem with that. What they are really asking me is why am I dating a black man. So I always answer “Ask him yourself.”

White people shouldn’t adopt tan babies

Kipp Jarecke-Cheng
Maplewood, NJ

One day, out of the blue, my seven-year-old son said to me and my partner, “White people shouldn’t adopt tan babies like me.” We were stunned by our son’s comment, partly because it seemed so uncharacteristic of him, but mostly because my “tan” son is Asian, like me, while my partner, my son’s other father, is white. Our son is adopted and we are the only parents he has ever known, and although we live in a diverse community and are surrounded by multicultural, multiethnic friends and family, our son is already acutely aware of what race means in America.

We asked our son why he thought white people shouldn’t adopt tan babies, and he deflected the question and dropped the subject. As an Asian man and as an immigrant, my experience as a minority in America is complicated, and I am very sympathetic with my son’s experiences, perhaps more so that my son’s white father. But it was still surprising that our son would express this idea to us.

I wish I knew what was really behind my son’s statement, but I don’t. I imagine that as he grows older, he will have the capacity to explain what he was thinking when he said what he said.

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