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My child’s not your Learning Experience.

Beth Curren,
Bethesda, MD

We are a bi-racial family and have experienced the comments of others since the day we brought our child home from the hospital. Most comments and questions have been kind, or at least well-intentioned; many others have not: people have been rude, intrusive, scornful, misinformed and self-righteous. Often the hardest moments have been when other adults have insistently questioned us, in front of our child (and often in front of their own), and clearly want to know very personal information. When we’ve tried to deflect their comments, they often say they are just curious or their children are curious, or they are trying to teach their children to be inclusive. We get it; we really do. But standing in a check-out line is not an invitation for questions and comments, especially since the only reason we are being asked, is because the composition of our family is different from theirs. Sometimes we just want to get through the produce section or the cereal aisle without this unwanted attention. And so when people persisted, often self-righteously, in plying us with questions and comments, I learned to say, “My child’s not your Learning Experience.”

Mommy, why wasn’t I born white?

Victoria Finney
Cambridge, MA

I still remember how upset she was when I asked her this. Like I had said something wrong that I shouldn’t have. Like I had failed a test somehow.

“Tori, aren’t you happy with the way you are? You are beautiful; black is beautiful.”

Why is she saying this? Why does she look so mad? I just want my hair to be like my friends’ hair in my class… so nice and straight and flat and easy. I’m tired of people tryna yank it out every stinking morning.

“No, mommy, I just wanna be like everyone else, like my friends in school!” That is when I started crying. And mommy looked so helpless, like she had done something wrong. And for the first time I felt ashamed for wishing I was different.

“No, Tori. You were born the way you are and you can’t change the way you are. You have to love who you are.” This wasn’t exactly the easiest concept to teach to a six-year-old. I bawled harder and she just held me in that way that mothers do to make all the bad in the world go away. A few weeks later, we went to the hair dresser and I got my first relaxer. It burned. My best friend at school asked me how I got the weeds out. I was just happy to be normal.

It took a few more years of being *the token* for me to appreciate who I really was. I love my mother. And I love this colorful life that she gave to me.

Only Black in office. Very Isolating

Ursie Bankhead,
Buffalo, NY.

I have a PhD, have studied race issues. And still struggle in my workplace. Mostly within my own department. I have support from several friends of various races/ethnicities/backgrounds, etc. But, it is difficult at times being “the only” and to experience microinvalidations during staff meetings or to end up in a “conversation” later. Minority staff routinely leave my department (as well as others!). It is quite isolating– at times frustrating. And VERY sad that the “leaders” cannot understand their own biases or privelege.

I am the token black girl

photoChinna Ford,
Vallejo, CA.

It’s hard work being the token. You must learn to lighten the mood with an acceptable race joke every so often. When slavery is mentioned in classrooms you must ignore the peering eyes of your classmates. You must, sing, dance and excel at sports because in the words of my white colleagues “You were made for it”. I live in a white filled world where my color sticks out like a highlighter. Not only must every word or action I do speak for the rest of the black community but I am watched with close eyes. I am asked questions, that if I choose to answer, speaks for my entire race. I am my own person, not like any other. There are things I share with my black culture that do not define me as a whole. My entire life has been about my dark skin and how it sets me apart for better or worse. I embrace my blackness but I also embrace my individuality and I wish others did too.

Done Being the Token Black Girl

DANCEREbony,
Farmington Hills, MI.

I grew up in a place where Black people felt they made it. A suburban community where the majority of residents were Black, employed, and thriving. It was wonderful growing up in this setting but it created unrealistic expectations for what the “real world” was and what life is like for the majority of people who are Black in this country. When I did wake up to take a look around at all of the injustices towards Blacks there is no way I can ever go back to sleep.

Not black enough to be black

Christina Gibbs,
La Habra, CA.

Growing up in Orange County all of my life, I grew up around mostly White, Asian, and Mexican people. I was always the token black person in schools throughout life and in my friend groups. The only only times I was around more than a few black people was when I was around my family or when I was at church. Growing up, my experience at church wasn’t the best with the kids in children’s church or my Sunday school classes. The kids at my prominently black Baptist church in West Covina CA, (we had to go out of OC for church because there aren’t really black Baptist churches in Orange County), would constantly make fun of the way I talk and call me a white girl or tell me to “stop acting white” and would make fun of my clothing because I choose to wear beach-styled clothes rather than typical urban-street brands that the majority of blacks that I knew wore during that time. It was really hard for me and made me feel uncomfortable when I was around the kids at church which is suppose to be the place everyone should feel the most comfortable at and it is meant to be the least non-judgmental place because we are all there for one purpose. Sadly, this wasn’t the case growing up “not black enough to be black”

CBU HIS311

I am not your token Mexican-American

Angie Estrada,
Columbia, SC.

I have been struggling with my sister-in-law seemingly using me as her token Mexican-American “friend”. She parades me among her white friends and uses me a talking point when making casually racist comments. You know, the classic “…but my friend is *insert minority here*”. I cringe at the fact that I am not the only one she parades around. Her old coworker, who is multiracial, is also on her Facebook featured photos and is constantly mentioned when she make off-color comments about black people. My SIL casually uses the n-word! I just can’t stand the fakeness from both of us anymore. I feel like I am not being my true self by participating in her self-congratulatory behavior of having 2 friends that are of a different race. I am not just a prop! I know that I am more than my ethnic heritage.

After discussing this with my husband, we decided to take the less explosive route and simply distance ourselves from her. We know that white fragility exists and are not interested in exhausting our own selves when we are sure of what the outcome would be. I really would love to talk to her about it but I do not think she is the type of person who would truly listen. Either way, my husband does not have the best relationship with her to begin with and is happy that we are just sticking to major events (holidays, weddings, etc) to see her.

White Privilege Asian Wife Still get it…

Lee,
Queens, NY.

I live in NYC. A melting pot no? I am one of the few people where I work who is white American. I have a lot of experience but there are people there that have more experience than me and are better then me. I make at a minimum $15 more per hour then they do… I was immediately placed in a management position. I asked about this about 2 months into the job and was told “You know the clients are more comfortable talking to a guy like you. You are very articulate when you speak and the other guys…” Everyone I work with is very smart and articulate. I’m just the token white guy. So I get paid more, don’t have to work weekends and have more vacation time than people that have been working for years. My wife is Chinese, very very attractive (I often wonder what she is doing with a guy like me) and younger than me (7 years). When we are in Chinatown we get the most glaring stares of disapproval. We where even denied service at a restaurant. I had one white guy come up to us and ask me what website I got her from because he tried two and a few thousand dollars and all he got was one busted chink. My family only gets her Hello Kitty crap for Christmas. I could go on and on. But you know… Racism is alive and well all over the world. I am fully aware of my privilege and always have been aware. I use it to my full advantage when ever possible. From talking to the police a few times to making more money and a lot in between. Until humans melt into one “race” racism will always continue. Trying to stop/end racism is like beating a dead horse.

My hair: bane of my existence

image4 (1)Laura Abercrombie,
Mulberry, FL.

I am a 27 year old biracial (mother black, father Russian and Romanian Jewish descent) woman. I was born and raised in NY, transplanted to rural Fl when I was a teen. I am also one of Jehovah’s witnesses. Basically, I’m very used to being on the fringes, the “token”, the extra, which pretty much informs the way I navigate the world and my personal relationships.

She is not a token Latina

Leslie Carver
San Diego, CA

I am a professor & was profoundly affected when I heard a student talk about having been referred to as a “token Latina”. I realized that although I care a great deal about diversity on my campus, I had been guilty of thinking of students that way – as the “token” minority. I resolved then to really try to think of my students as just students, not token anything.

THE RACE IS IS OUR CENTER

James P. Ayers
Ft. Wayne, IN

Dear Michele,
We enjoyed your Fort Wayne Presentation.
My 6 and 5 words in two versions: THE RACE IS IS OUR CENTER or RACE IS AT OUR CENTER (in 5 words) I was tempted to ask a question as a follow up to your including the reference to diction that I will ask here. When in countries that do not speak English I am comfortable asking the person(s) I am speaking with to speak more clearly and/or more slowly so that I might be better able to understand what they are saying.

Too often I (a white man) have wanted to but not participated in conversations dominated by jive accents (think black men) that I cannot understand. Is there a preferred way to deal with my problem? To put a bit of perspective on the question I recall being the “token white” in a black owned mortgage banking company. When our president spoke it was not possible to note any accent in his speaking. When we would go into an inner city area his language could dramatically change to the “street” chat mostly used in the area. I respect Hispanics speaking Spanish at home but consider it somewhat rude when in public where most speak English.

I feel the same way when I cannot understand a jive conversation. Do I need to learn jive?

Warm Regards,
James P. Ayers

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