Jessica,
Norfolk, Va
For the majority of my life, I have lived in a very culturally diverse area, regardless of where I actually am. As an army brat, I moved to several different locations across the US and usually went to school where 60% or more of the population were people of color. I didn’t really notice this as a kid….
My first brush of racism was as a 4th grader. My best friend was black, but other kids called me “cracker” and “n****r lover.” I didn’t understand how a snack food-related to my identity. And I didn’t know what the N-word was or meant. I came home and asked my parents. My mom cried. She had to explain to a sheltered white child what racism was and how it was something that she hoped I wouldn’t be exposed to in a diverse neighborhood. In middle school, it was the same case. But now the kids were meaner. I didn’t fit in. I was bullied for having the highest grades. I let my grades become “better than average” and stayed that way so as not draw attention to myself.
In high school, I went to all my dances by myself. It wasn’t until the senior year that I got a boyfriend. He was tall, gorgeous, romantic, polite… and black. I had several girls corner me and demand I give him back to them, as if he were property. It made me sick. I didn’t know what to do, so I let my short romance fizzle out.
10 years later I work for an amazing company that applauds and encourages diversity in the workplace. I feel very fortunate to be a part of this company. But I am still a minority. The majority of my department is made up of black women. My coworkers are amazing, but I don’t fit in. I feel a slight sense of resentment, and then I feel guilty for that resentment.
I feel like I have tape over my mouth that says “no one cares what you have to say.” I want to outwardly express that I have experienced racism, too, but I feel that I would go unheard or be dismissed.
I am terrified to join in the protests. If I were honest with myself, I don’t to put myself in a position where I would actually experience physical abuse by being an ally. I don’t want to go through what POC have gone through. But I want to support them. How am I an ally if I won’t even let myself experience what they have?
I carry all these feelings of guilt over the privilege that I have, just for being white. But I can’t change the fact as much as any other person. So all I really can do, is sit down, keep my mouth shut, and try to fade into the background to let people of color voices to be heard.
