DATING AS A “BLACK” MAN…
NR Jr.,
Tampa, FL.
So as a paid volunteer in the US Armed Forces who has traveled extensively across the world. America has a “big” color issue. I spent 6 years living abroad and coming “home” is the worst thing ever… Let me give you the reader a take into my thus short life of 29 years and counting (pending some supreme diety/iess doesn’t call me home). I was “fortunate” to be a highly intelligent child in my school years and on into college. Unfortunately I don’t have the “right” complexion to match the intelligence. As a child I was called an oreo, picked on by other black kids, loved by white kids, even had some parents tell me “i would never let my daughter date a black person but you are different.” I thought this was a “compliment” but as I got older, it is just plain out colorism (racism is the more commonly accepted term.) Why can’t I just be me? I don’t want to be boxed in by the color of my flesh or what someone else perceives my skin color to tell them about me. I am tired of being sexualized or someone’s fantasy based from an arbitrary mindset. When living abroad I felt loved by other nations and cultures, but coming back home is coming back to hatred/ second rate treatment and lots of mistreatment. I dated women form all diff backgrounds and cultures, but from my experiences in America, I don’t have the right complexion to be a well qualified bachelor. I am a product of my lived experiences and let’s all be honest, having the brown colored skin especially the darker shade in America sucks! Now being that I am an credentialed health care provider and have pieces of papers (degrees) behind it I may get a “pass”, but that’s twice as bad.
It’s almost like exceptionalism is the new colorism. Being military also adds to that, but no one knows that when you are wearing air max 90 and a Pokemon hoodie LOL. White privilege is nice… I’m tired of being people saying I don’t date “black” people. To me who wants to limit their resources in the dating pool? My parents always told me I have to be twice as smart and I will only be worth half as much. Man they weren’t lying! I just want to be a regular guy, but being regular is subjective to your complexion. The standards for dating a black guy are significantly higher than they are for a white man. I have read lots of articles from people who are in these multicultural marriages and a good percentage of the time it’s an more affluent couple, they aren’t your average run of the mill people you would encounter on a daily basis. So they are the exception not the rule. White America (did I say that?) very much still has a problem with black males and their perception/treatment of “us” is second rate and it plays out heavily in the dating/social scene. You lucky white people… what I wouldn’t give for a day in your shoes…
You are dating a black girl?
Michael K. Wallace,
Johnson City, TN.
This was the opening question to the most consistent family conversation I had during my freshmen year of highschool. It was said as a question, although it was a statement. Yes, I am dating a black girl. Thank you for the reminder. Would you care to know who she is outside of her race? For my grandmother, it was inconceivable.
My grandmother’s reaction stuck with me, and I’m glad it did. I want to be reminded of a reaction that I don’t want future generations to see. Equality must be found, and everyone is a part of it.
Dating: I’m too dark for him?!
Anonymous,
Northampton, MA.
He’s a white European, and has never considered black women to be attractive, apparently until he met me and we got to know each other. Since he is curious about interracial relationships, he’s often on youtube watching videos on black and white couples/babies/marriages. Yesterday, he proudly told me that he watched an interracial couple where the woman described herself as a caramel. He then casually added that he would have preferred it if I was caramel, not 60% chocolate or whatever it is I am. I replied that I’m in fact 80% dark chocolate. I was horribly upset at his ignorance, although I have since forgiven him for the comment he made and explained why what he said was hurtful to me.
Who will love this black girl?
Gabby Mbeki,
Boston, MA.
In the fall of 1997, I started 6th grade at a day independent school in Connecticut. I grew up in a predominately West Indian neighborhood surrounded by faces like mine, but my father wanted me to have a more rigorous education. I entered the school being one of three students of color in my class and it was a shock for me. It was not as though I never been around white people, but I never been surrounded as much as I had been when I started at this school. I spent seven years at the school. I grew up and became a woman at this school. I also fell in “love” at this school. Because there were no men that looked like me I found love in the white male and since then I have always been attracted to white males. I have been ridiculed for such preference and felt guilt that I am attracted to such and at times feel as though I am offending my black race. However, I also feel as though white men do not take me as seriously either. They date me because they are curious. They want to know if dating a black girl feels different. If making love to her feels the same…and at the end of the day. I always feel prodded and used. I have grown not to trust love and wonder how much of race has to do with it. I sometimes feel trapped and feel as though I will forever to be alone.
Love knows no color, just connection
Sarah P,
Durham, NH
p>As a white woman dating a black man, I have gotten questions before about making sure I would be okay with having black children eventually. When I get asked this question, I ignore it, but do think about what would make someone ask this. It never crossed my mind when I started dating him. We should not think about this but instead think about the connections I have with him and how he makes me feel, not his color.
Don’t Bring Home No White Girls
Anonymous,
TX.
Said a well travelled Black American female veteran to her biracial, trilingual, and dual citizen son. Behind her, in full agreement, stood her Eastern European Jewish husband. As madly in love as was at first sight, their relationship was taboo, condemned by family and friends alike. Now years later they faced their resultant son, looked in his light colored eyes and set him right. If he didn’t want any trouble and to keep his future bright, keep all White women out of sight! They only had their son’s best interests in mind, because both had known Black and Mulatto young men who had thrown their lives away by chasing after White American women that then uttered the dreaded 4 letter word….Rape.
In turn he smiled at them amusedly, took a few clumsy steps forward on his long skinny chicken legs, exactly like those of his towering father, and bent, though not too far because his mother was also quite tall, to plant a kiss on her round ebony cheek. In his low deep voice as he pushes his thick glasses back up on his face he says, “Why would I chase a ghost, when I have had the epitome of beauty before my eyes for nearly 23 years?” As he had done as small boy, when people thought this gorgeous Nubian Goddess who was closer to 50 than 40 but was often accused of being only 30 was merely his nanny, the son holds his mother’s face in hands and stares at her adoringly. “I learned how to appreciate real beauty young.” Then he smiles bashfully at his father and concludes, “Apuci(Daddy), I am going to get one of these fine models for myself. Where should I look?” It was very clear that though the well-brought up young man respected all women, his heart would ALWAYS belong to a fiery,gorgeous, and loyal ‘Sistah’.
I am cautious about who I date
Anna,
MN.
I am not attracted to black guys. Even if I was it’s hard. Any person can be my friend but I don’t want family friends to get pissed off at me. It’s not a risk I’m willing to take. Especially in the Trump era. For me personally,I have to be very strategic in what I do. Gosh I sound like Cersei Lannister but I’m not willing to risk everything. It’s sad but true. All other races are fine. So go ahead be my friend. It doesn’t matter to me who anyone else dates I’m fine with that. I know it’s getting bad out there. I’m not willing to take that risk.
Four words: I’m tired of blacks.
Duncan,
Macon, GA
p>Being tired and hating are two different things. My girlfriend is a beautiful black woman who is also tired of blacks. She’s tired of being called an uncle Tom for dating a white guy. I’m tired of being labeled as a racist simply for my skin color.
I’m tired of the black community as a whole, however I’m not tired of the individuals for the most part. There are many funny, caring and loving black people around me who I adore and consider family. However, when it comes to the black community nationwide, I’ve grown sick and tired of it.
My girlfriend was raised in a poor home. She had very few advantages yet somehow grew and matured into a well educated, beautiful and smart woman. She never claimed racism, she never hated whites. She never asked for anything to be given to her, she’s earned it all. And I admire and respect her for that.
But then you have the black community, “We’re systematically oppressed!”. No, you’re not. “It’s systematic racism keeping us down!”. No, it’s not. “We deserve special treatment because our skin color!”. No, you don’t.
Like my girlfriend, I who am white, was raised in a poor household. I had to fight and claw myself up to where I am today. One reason my GF and I click so well together, we know the struggles and that it has NOTHING to do with race.
It has to do with WHO you ARE, your CHARACTER. What YOU make of YOURSELF. Just because someone is disadvantaged, doesn’t mean they’re helpless. And advantage means you have a leg up, for those of us who aren’t advantaged we have the same opportunities but have to work harder for them.
Get over yourself, do the work, quit blaming everyone else for your problems.
We plan life so we’re safe.
Jamie Haines,
Franklin, VA.
As an inter-racial lesbian couple in Virginia, we have to plan carefully. Will that small diner be safe? Can we vacation safely in that city, country? Can we hold hands? Will we have to take Mr. Confederate Flag stalker back to court? Every single time one of us walks out the door, it is the same: “I love you. Be safe.”
Interracial couple. You two really together?
Lemon Wilson,
Beloit, WI
My partner is Mexican and I am white, in this day and age people still ask if we are really dating.
Rejected because love is colorblind.
Paula Morris,
Long Beach, CA.
A white girl growing up in Orange County, CA, where I was anything and anyone “different” was “bad”, I have found love with two wonderful men in my life: the first one (who died) was African American, and the second one is African. The happiness both have brought me is too threatening for my family; my brother can barely stand to look at me.
“I didn’t know you liked chocolate”
Dana Judkins,
Shreveport, LA.
I get this a lot when people find out I have a black boyfriend.
Not Mexican Looking “You know Spanish!?”
Daisy Reyes,
Rialto, CA.
Even as a little girl in Mexico I was the “Chinita” (little Chinese). When I came to the U.S., I was either confused with Filipino or just Asian when people couldn’t figure out which race. My now husband, has been confused with a Hindu. We are both Mexican-born. But the thing I always get when I talk in Spanish to him or my son is “You know Spanish!?” follow by “I thought you were Filipino or Asian” Even Filipinos have confused me as Filipino. Funny thing my husband calls me “My Chinita” and friends of him asked him if I was really Chinese. Now with my son, I wonder if he would encounter any racial questions once he grows up. It has never bothered me that I get confused, I am proud to be Mexican-American and we are going to pass down our heritage to our son. Shout out CBU HIS311!
Love within this one race.
Patricia Duhalde,
Aurora, CO
This man is my soulmate. Didn’t know much about his experience on this planet until I fell in love with him. He said that we are two humans who found love with each other. The rest is a learning process for us both.
Homecoming with best friend. You dating?
Jaden Miskowiec,
Memphis, TN.
I went to homecoming with my best friend, who happens to be black. One woman asked my mother if we were dating because she was concerned about our relationship. First time I experienced racial discrimination (though not the first time I had seen it).
You’re cute for a black girl
Leah Thomas
Florissant, MO
I grew up in Saint Louis, MO and I moved to a mainly white private school in the 5th grade. I was a “gifted student” according to my public school district and my parents struggled to give me a better education. As I got older, of dating age, I started to get more attention from boys. That attention shaped my life in ways I never could have imagined.
I remember the first guy who liked me in 5th or 6th grade. He was black and we carpulled to school together. One day he told his white friend that he liked me when I was maybe five feet away. His friend then looked me up and down and said “man you can do better than that”. My eyes shot down at my feet and I walked away quicker than I knew I could. When boys liked me it seemed like it was always supposed to be a big secret. They would ask me to see a movie outside of school, but just give me a simple wave throughout the hallways.
It seemed like they were taught that black women were not supposed to be attractive. I was some unusual exception because I didn’t roll my neck and snap my fingers–like that was all black women were supposed to do. I wanted to cry and run away each time I heard those six words. It hurt me even more when it came from the black private school boys. They got sucked into the thought process that black women were beneath them and not meant to be attractive. How could they say those words against their own race?
They came from a black mother, have black cousins, and maybe have a black sister.
I felt like I had nowhere to turn and nowhere to run to. I was always the “first-black-girlfriend”. Just some educational experience for someone who originally never intended on dating a black woman.
I want to be beautiful for a woman. I am beautiful for a woman. Not beautiful for a black girl like I am so far beneath the expectations for beauty. I am beautiful because I am me and I am a person.
